Sirs?

[Greynomad]

What do you call a knight with a camera?
Sir Veillance

What do you call a knight in a crowd?
Sir Rounded

What do you call an overweight knight?
Sir Cumference

What do you call the knight who collects the king’s taxes?
Sir Charge

How do you keep a knight dry in a rainstorm?
Give him a knighthood.

[Newcastle George]

Being a Knight, wouldn't he already have his knighthood?

George

[jon_d]

Oh my, we've been hoodwinked

[T1 Terry]

So, is a Knight who has been scalped called Sir Cumcision? Was he the first Jewish Knight?

T1 Terry

[Greynomad]

He would be a cut below the rest...

[T1 Terry]

The knight that stood back and let the others fight?
Sir Cumspect? ...... Now now, keep it clean

T1 Terry

[pet-els]

HERE'S YOUR RIDDLE OF THE DAY



It's a legit answer so try and figure it out.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.

However, the answer is at the bottom for those

who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:



At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 75-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?









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DON'T LOOK DOWN

PeterH

[pet-els]

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS.......

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?




The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

[pet-els]

AUSTRALIA : AN AMERICANS VIEW...

Interesting set of observations from a visitor from the other side of the Pacific. 'Value what you have and don't give it away.' There's a lot to admire about Australia, especially if you're a visiting American, says David Mason. More often than you might expect, Australian friends patiently listening to me enthuse about their country have said, ''We need outsiders like you to remind us what we have.'' So here it is - a small presumptuous list of what one foreigner admires in Oz.

1... Health care. I know the controversies, but basic national health care is a gift. In America, medical expenses are a leading cause of bankruptcy. The drug companies dominate politics and advertising.

Obama is being crucified for taking halting baby steps towards sanity. You can't turn on the telly without hours of drug advertisements - something I have never yet seen here. And your emphasis on prevention - making cigarettes less accessible, for one - is a model.

2... Food. Yes, we have great food in America too, especially in the big cities.

But your bread is less sweet, your lamb is cheaper, and your supermarket vegetables and fruits are fresher than ours.

Too often in my country an apple is a ball of pulp as big as your face.

The dainty Pink Lady apples of Oz are the juiciest I've had. And don't get me started on coffee.

In American small towns it tastes like water flavoured with burnt dirt, but the smallest shop in the smallest town in Oz can make a first-rate latte.

I love your ubiquitous bakeries, your hot-cross buns. Shall I go on?

3... Language. How do you do it?

The rhyming slang and Aboriginal place names like magic spells.

Words that seem vaguely English yet also resemble an argot from another planet.

I love the way institutional names get turned into diminutives - Vinnie's and Salvos - and absolutely nothing's sacred.

Everything's an opportunity for word games and everyone's a nickname.

Lingo makes the world go round.

It's the spontaneous wit of the people that tickles me most.

Late one night at a barbie my new mate Suds remarked, ''Nothing's the same since 24-7.'' Amen.

4... Free-to-air TV. In Oz, you buy a TV, plug it in and watch some of the best programming I've ever seen - uncensored.

In America, you can't get diddly-squat without paying a cable or satellite company heavy fees.

In Oz a few channels make it hard to choose.

In America, you've got 400 channels and nothing to watch.

5... Small shops. Outside the big cities in America corporations have nearly erased them.

Identical malls with identical restaurants serving inferior food.

Except for geography, it's hard to tell one American town from another.

The ''take-away'' culture here is wonderful.

Human encounters are real - stirring happens, stories get told.

The curries are to die for. And you don't have to tip!

6... Free camping. We used to have this too, and I guess it's still free when you backpack miles away from the roads.

But I love the fact that in Oz everyone owns the shore and in many places you can pull up a camper van and stare at the sea for weeks.

I love the ''primitive'' and independent campgrounds, the life out of doors.

The few idiots who leave their stubbies and rubbish behind in these pristine places ought to be transported in chains.

7... Religion. In America, it's everywhere - especially where it's not supposed to be, like politics.

I imagine you have your Pharisees too, making a big public show of devotion, but I have yet to meet one here.

8... Roads. Peak hour aside, I've found travel on your roads pure heaven.

My country's ''freeways'' are crowded, crumbling, insanely knotted with looping overpasses - it's like racing homicidal maniacs on fraying spaghetti.

I've taken the Hume without stress, and I love the Princes Highway when it's two lanes.

Ninety minutes south of Bateman's Bay I was sorry to see one billboard for a McDonald's.

It's blocking a lovely paddock view. Someone should remove it.

9... Real multiculturalism. I know there are tensions, just like anywhere else, but I love the distinctiveness of your communities and the way you publicly acknowledge the Aboriginal past.

Recently, too, I spent quality time with Melbourne Greeks, and was gratified both by their devotion to their own great language and culture and their openness to an Afghan lunch.

10. Fewer guns. You had Port Arthur in 1996 and got real in response. America replicates such massacres several times a year and nothing changes.

Why?

Our religion of individual rights makes the good of the community an impossible dream.

Instead of mateship we have ''It's mine and nobody else's''.

We talk a great game about freedom, but too often live in fear.

There's more to say - your kaleidoscopic birds, your perfumed bush in springtime, your vast beaches.

These are just a few blessings that make Australia a rarity.

Of course, it's not paradise - nowhere is - but I love it here.

No need to wave flags like Americans and add to the world's windiness.

Just value what you have and don't give it away.

David Mason is a US writer and professor, and poet laureate of Colorado.

PeterH

[T1 Terry]

The last one is a tad dated:
1) Healthcare. If you can afford private medical insurance, then it is similar to the USA, you can still go belly up paying the fees that the insurance doesn't cover. There is public health system, it was great in the early days but a lot governments since its inception have steadily wound it back till it is a rather long wait to actually get into a hospital ... unless you could die immediately, then it is an emergency and there is a better chance you will get treated before you die from the problem ....
We have had a self centred orange bloke go through the office of president since Obama and that one went all out to try to dismantle Obama Care, failed and really lost the plot. There is now an aged ex vice president attempting to reverse all the damage done by the orange bloke, that is yet to be seen if it can actually be achieved.
Is our TV ads dominated by drug companies? If you include caffeine, "naturcuticals" or some such made up word a worn out sports commentator is using about a multi-vitamin pill that are part of the booming vitamin industry, anti inflammatory drugs in rub on medication, pain medication in varying organ destroying varieties, weight loss drugs ..... the list goes on, are you sure we aren't suffering just as bad as the yanks with drug company advertising?
2)Food:
Yes we have fatty sugar filled food just like the USA, probably because the fast food industry is all US based. All the "Authentic" international foods are adjusted to suit this Americanised taste before hitting the Australian tables and take -away market, I doubt they would survive otherwise.
The lamb is cheaper .... really? It competes with lobster and king prawns here, just how expensive could it be over there and still find a market? I remember chicken being a Sunday special occasion meal, it is now the meat we turn to when the money is tight, Turkey is on a similar footing ..... When it's cheaper to buy top class steak than the "special cuts" of lamb, the industry has really lost the plot. Atlantic salmon is far cheaper than lamb .... how can that be right?
We do have good supermarket fresh food now, but the independent fruit and vegie shops forced that change on the multi national companies to up their game.
Coffee only became drinkable in the smaller towns after Macca's introduced decent coffee, same deal but in reverse, make a product as good as the competition or you won't sell the product. Bakeries, thanks to our multi national race mix, we do have good bakeries, same deal, if it isn't good stuff you won't sell it.
3) Rhyming slang is from a certain section of English culture, we are more into the reverse nick naming thing, a red head is "Blue" a tall bloke is "Shorty" and anyone you don't know or can't remember their name is "Mate"or "Cock"in Tassie (which took a bit of insider knowledge to accept the first time) but our nick names for those from another state have to be the best of all, "Crow eaters", "Mexicans", "Sand-gropers", "Banana benders or cane toads" then names for those from the ACT and NSW varies, "roaches" and "Eastern staters" by those on the other side of the country ..... Tasmanian's are either two headed or devils or some aren't even sure if you need a passport to travel there .....
4) We do get some good stuff of free to air TV, between the repeats etc, but pay tv is certainly making serious inroads into Australia.
5) Small shops: I think the Covid 19 shut downs will se a lot of these vanish unfortunately, they were struggling against the bigger mall type multi nationals before the lock downs but many won't have the $$ behind them to survive.
6) Free camping: We still have to fight to maintain this, many caravan parks would love to see it banned and a few states have virtually banned it in some areas, the same for the larger cities, so it isn't just an Aussie right of passage, it needs constant effort to keep it.
7) Religion in Politics: Seriously, the two are very closely tied, Scomo, Craig Kelly, just to name a few, it would be great if we could separate them, but that will be a long way off if ever.
8) Roads: In NSW those who live in the other areas say that stands it stands for Newcastle - Sydney - Wollongong. That is where the money gets spent and the roads are great. The upgrade of the Hume Hwy has made it a great drive, but the old road was a nightmare .... Take a trip out to the likes of Ivanhoe, then try to go to Wilcannia or Lake Menindee, absolute goat tracks.
9) Multiculturalism: Ummm...... Need I say anything about that on here?
10) Fewer guns: Well this is a real plus, there was a lot of tension about it when introduced, but I for one feel a whole better about them being limited and controlled.

We do live in a great country, no denying that, but we sure can't take it for granted that it will always be this way ... the fight must be fought, but I reckon it's worth the effort

T1 Terry