The A - Z Of Farting. (A weekly entry)

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A detailed and intimate examination of the art of flatulance for those people that think a fart is just a fart.

A.
The absolute rip snorter.
This is a man's world kind of fart, the dawn buster, the volley of cannon before the blood surging ride into the valley of death, the rat- tat- tat of the regimental drum. There's more than a hint of devil-may-care about the rip snorter and a wiff of gunpowder too, an up-and-at-em lads reverberation issued by sar'nt-majors before they all go over the top. Now more usually heard over pool tables in city bars, or among victorious spectators at football matches

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Week 2's installment.
The Awkward Fart..

Unplanned, excertion based farts have embarrassed us all. Getting out of chairs, sitting down on lawns, picking up lady's purses, squeaky trousers on leather chairs, getting an extra yard at Lord's or reaching for the smash at Wimbleton, manoeuvering gingerly into the dentists chair, hauling luggage out of overhead jumbo jet lockers, curtsying to the Queen.

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The Artistic Fart...

Sometimes heard at the ballet, as the chap in the very tight trousers hoists the girl in the frilly skirt onto his shoulder. Was it her, or him? Was it the floorboard? More pugnacious at gallery openings, particularly after the cheap bubbly and the cold sausage rolls have started to have an effect. All art is life, and life is art, and we know what rhymes with art.

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B

The Bathroom Fart. (part 0ne)
This is one of the very best of all farts, except, perhaps, when saving water by bathing with a friend. It is a three dimensional fart, which is quite rare. Not only can you hear it and, well, smell it, you can actually see it which can be quite exciting. Tiny bubbles sometimes, at others a Vesuvius-like rumble followed by a tidal wave which washes the rubber ducky right out of the bath. We now know that Archimedes was a bath farter. Remember his cry of EUREKA !! as he sat in his bath..

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B
The Bathroom Fart (part two)

Cont.... in ancient Greece one day? he had discovered the principle of floatation, of course, and it all came back to him when he shifted on to his left buttock and dropped a splendid , bubbling fart. Or so the story goes. Shower farts are not as successful as barthtub farts but occasionally you can get good resonance from a loosely fitted shower screen, and farting in spas isn't much fun because the bubbly effect is lost. But for a truly spectacular underwater eruption nothing beats a visit to the zoo after the hippopotamus has finished his lunch of cabbage stalks..

[Helen Grose]

this sure is a smelly topic

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THE BURNING FART
This is sometimes practised by schoolboys in the dressing room of the cricket pavillion while waiting for the rain to stop, particularly if breakfast has been baked beans on toast. The idea is for the 12th man or someone to bend over while the skipper lights a match, and then to all take notice whether the fart burns blue or yellow. If it burns red, the whole team is in trouble, and the pavillion at serious risk of losing it's roof. If you are keen on experimenting with burning farts it's a good idea to have someone standing by with a bucket of water. Safe fart burning should be practised at all times.

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C


The Car Fart...
These can be needlessly unpleasant, particularly if you are a passenger in the back seat on a foggy night after a supper of beer and Cornish pasties. Modern technology has come to the rescue of the back seat farter, however, in the shape of the electric window winder which allows a much more surreptitious release of effuvium than was possible with the old mechanical ones.
One driver we know who farted a lot would say jovially: "I think we've hit a Van Dyke!"

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THE CHURCH FART.
You have heard the old saying: :As popular as a fart in church"
and you probably remember Confucius saying: "Man who farts in church is sitting in his own pew," Both are self explanatory, as is the "did the angel speak fart," which seems to be associated with retired clergymen who insist on sitting in the front row although they've obviously heard it all before.

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THE CURRY FART.

You shouldn't have to mention how dangerous this particular efflusion is, particularly in India. It takes on even more dangerous connotations if you are in India and you are not Indian. Holiday makers partaking of curry should avoid farting at all times, because dry cleaning is expensive even when it exists, and those laundry wallahs on the banks of the Hoogli beat hell out of white chaps trousers.