The A - Z Of Farting. (A weekly entry)

[Kit Kat]

C


The Car Fart...
These can be needlessly unpleasant, particularly if you are a passenger in the back seat on a foggy night after a supper of beer and Cornish pasties. Modern technology has come to the rescue of the back seat farter, however, in the shape of the electric window winder which allows a much more surreptitious release of effuvium than was possible with the old mechanical ones.
One driver we know who farted a lot would say jovially: "I think we've hit a Van Dyke!"

A friend of mine, and I use the term "friend" loosely, would drop a silent fart in your car, and if that wasn't bad enough he'd always catch all the occupants by saying, "Can you smell petrol?" Of course the normal reaction was to inhale deeply.

[Dot]

Keith we have a "friend" here that has a smelly story to tell but that has to be told around the campfire Hint,, he was here today for scones but the loo was locked. He had to go to the public loos

[John M]

Travelling yesterday to Renmark found we had to dispose of all our fruit before entering SA, scoffed our fill of fresh grapes, purchased in Mildura ($2 a bag from farm gate, found that cures flatulence, not game to fart!

[Dot]

You might not but what about Shirley and beau??

[Chuck]

Keith we have a "friend" here that has a smelly story to tell but that has to be told around the campfire Hint,, he was here today for scones but the loo was locked. He had to go to the public loos

... & the dunny paper there was like bloody rice paper!!

Had to use multiple layers of it...

Numerous times...

[Dot]

There must be something in this story about writing on dunny doors and public toilets with thin paper. but no we shall not go off topic will we??

[Dot]

D

The Dog Did It Fart.
We all know dogs fart, particularly when they are in front of the fire. It's natural enough. They're usually there after their evening meal, and the warmth of the fire gets the digestive system bubbling along. Dogs are too nice to get much pleasure out of farting in front of the fire, but they get a bit upset when they're kicked outside into the rain and cold. Particularly when they haven't done it, particularly when it's that beer filled lout on the couch watching television who says, "it was the dog". Real dog farts can be fairly foul, but so is the behaviour of those who blame their own farting on man's best friend. Please try to be nicer. Dogs are people to you know.

[Greynomad]

There must be something in this story about writing on dunny doors and public toilets with thin paper. but no we shall not go off topic will we??

At Melbourne's Footscray Institute of Technology (now 'Western Uni', or somesuch) someone had written on the dunny door, "Please flush thoroughly. It's a long way to the Canteen.")
There was another above the loo paper, "BAs. Please take one."

[Dot]

D.... THE DOONA LIFTER FART.
In northern Europe, this is better known as the Duvet Lifter, or in China as the Quilt Lifter. Whatever the geography. cause & effect is the same. Too many brussel sprouts with the quiche Lorraine, too much mao tai with the chicken in black bean, & at around about 3am., WHOOOOMBA. Sometimes the doonas/duvets/quilts lands on the floor which is unsatisfactory, particularly in winter. On the other hand doonas/duvets/quilts have strong muffling qualities, which means that you can often get away with a good post-midnight fart with hardly any consequences at all. It is a reminder also of the old saying that the honeymoon is over when your partner farts in bed.

[Dot]

E
The Egg Sandwich Fart
Eggs and farts have a great deal in common. When an egg goes rotten it creates hydrogen sulphide which is known, reasonably enough, as rotten egg gas. When we digest certain foods the funny things going on in our stomachs, also at times produce hydrogen disulphide. The so called egg sandwich fart is therefore one of the worst possible in fact, they can be vile. In some women the pre menstrual variety is more like an emission of nerve gas. But that is a sexist remark, and should be struck from the record.